Doubting
by LadyNightRunner
Summary: One reason Reno doesn't know that had a major impact on his fight. One thing Cloud doesn't know factored into his chase with the Remnants. One thing Zack didn't know while he watched. One young man, growing away from him mother.


This was actually written more than a year ago, for reasons I don't remember. I only just got around to typing it up and giving it to you. Here we have a little piece from Yazoo's point of view- Advent Children from where he stood, I suppose. It's not pretty, but it's something I'm proud of, and I hope you enjoy it.  


* * *

We began to wonder if Mother was lying to us the night before we went into Midgar for the last time. It was then, and only then, that we questioned our purpose.

It was after Kadaj turned the children to our side, after Brother came and tried to stop us. We had gone back into the city, to the building that functioned as our temporary home, to rest and prepare for whatever might happen the next day.

I was feeling strange, had been feeling strange all day. My chest ached dully, like I'd taken a hit there, and I was dizzy at times. I blamed it on exhaustion and dehydration- when there are three of you to do more work than just three can do, you grow used to such things.

Loz noticed first. He always noticed things first when they concerned me.

"Yazoo? Is something wrong?"

Something _was_ wrong. The ache in my chest had grown into acute pain. I sat against the wall, rubbing at my chest in a way I'd hoped neither of my brothers would notice. It wasn't helping, and the pain was becoming strong enough to make breathing difficult. I drew my knees up to my chest and tried not to panic.

"No," I said. I didn't want him to worry.

"You're lying," he said. He got up from where he was sprawled and approached me. "What is it?"

"I think I may be getting sick," I muttered.

That was plausible. We knew that our immune systems weren't as advanced as our older Brothers' were. We _could_ get sick. We did, on occasion.

Loz felt my forehead for a fever. I watched his face, his eyes in particular. His brows pulled together. Bad news.

"You're hot," he said softly. "Burning. What else is wrong?"  
I had to give in at some pint, and I decided to do so before Loz got upset.

"My chest," I said.

Loz's had was at the zipper of my coat before I could blink. I let him unzip me; he was worrying, I could see that, and that was the only reason I didn't pull away. I hate how slender and effeminate my body is, particularly in relation to Loz's.

"Ifrit's fire," Loz breathed. "Yazoo, don't move. Kadaj! Kadaj, come here! Something's wrong with Yazoo!"

Kadaj came at once.

"What is it?"

"Look at Yazoo's chest. Yazoo, don't look."

I looked anyway. I shouldn't have. What I saw made me feel sick.

My skin was mottled black, a horrible smudgy blight that spread over my chest and stomach. Geostigma.

"Impossible," Kadaj whispered. "Mother said we were impervious. She said we couldn't get it! She _promised_!"

"Then how?"

Kadaj glared at me. I almost thought he was going to hit me.

"Don't question Mother!"

"But Yazoo is sick, Kadaj. How can you explain that?" Loz took his glove off and swiped two fingers over my chest. They came up stained with black. "This is _real_. Yazoo has Geostigma. Ask Mother about _that_."

Kadaj hit Loz. Hard. Right in the stomach. Loz gasped and doubled over. Kadaj kicked at him. His pupils were thin slits, warning us that he was on the verge of falling into a blind rage.

"_No_, Kadaj! Stop!" I grabbed Kadaj, pulled him down and rolled onto him, pinning him to the floor. He kicked and fought, but I'd done it before and I knew how to keep him down and remain more or less unharmed.

"Let go of me," he hissed.

"No. You need to calm down."

Kadaj braced his knees against the floor and tried to get me off by overbalancing me. I let him try and rolled him over onto his back. He bucked, but I settled my weight on him.

"Kadaj, _look_ at me."

When he didn't, I grabbed his left hand and shoved it between us, palm against the slick fluid on my chest. He cringed and went still. I could feel his hand moving slightly against my skin.

"But you _can't_ have it," Kadaj whimpered. "Mother said…she said we couldn't…she _said_…" His whimpering turned into sobs.

"It's okay," I promised. "I'll be okay. Once we find her, Mother will heal me."

"But what if she doesn't?" Loz asked. "What if she doesn't, or she can't? You'll die, Yazoo."

Kadaj's sobs got louder. I rolled off him and curled my body around his, trying to comfort him. It helped momentarily, but then he shifted and touched my forehead. That set him off again, and he pulled a way from me. I looked at Loz, who cocked his head to one side and nodded at Kadaj. I nodded. Loz got up and took my place, gathering Kadaj into his lap and rocking gently.

It had always been that way. I am the mediator, Kadaj is the problem, and Loz is the victim. When Kadaj ends up as the victim in the end, Loz and I both try to comfort him. It hurt to know that I couldn't this time.

I stood and went outside, leaving my jacket behind. I heard Loz whispering to Kadaj inside, promising that I would be okay and that Mother still loved us and how my Geostigma was an accident, a fluke. He didn't believe it; his voice echoed with false sincerity. If Kadaj had been calm and paying attention to the tone instead of the words, he'd never have believed it. As it was, he clung to the empty promises as though they were the only thing keeping him alive.

------------------------------------------

They _were_ all that was keeping him alive. Kadaj needed Mother to survive, more than Loz and I ever did. He had to believe that there was someone who loved him the way Loz and I couldn't. I didn't understand it then.

-----------------------------------------

I sat beside the water, away from where Kadaj had turned the children. It had been times like this in the past that had shaken our trust in Mother, but this was the first time one of us had been put in danger because of something that hadn't gone as she'd said it would.

I splashed water on my chest to clean some of the black fluid off. It didn't come off easily, but the cold water felt good.

Just for a moment, I saw two faces reflected in the water. There was a woman with brown hair and a kind smile and, beside her, a man with spiky black hair and laughing eyes. He had one arm around the woman, and she leaned into the touch. They looked happy together. The man raised one hand and waved, smiling. I knew he was waving at me, so I smiled back.

That was what I wanted some day, after Mother had made the world a better place for us to live in: someone I could hold and love and be entirely at ease with.

A breeze rippled the water, and the image was gone.

"Yazoo?"

Loz had followed me out.

"Yes?"

"Kadaj fell asleep. You can come in now."

"Alright."

Loz helped me up. He stared at the chest as he did so, until I pulled out of his hold and turned away.

"Does it hurt?"

"Like nothing I've ever felt before."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"This. Mother. Kadaj. Everything." He gestured expansively, indicating everything because he wasn't entirely sure what to worry about the most.

"Don't. It isn't your fault."

"Then whose fault is it?"

I thought about it as we headed back to our temporary home, and I came to the only conclusion.

"Mother's."

Loz inhaled sharply.

"Kadaj wouldn't agree," he said softly. "He'd get mad again. He says that Mother is going to heal you."

"Mother is the reason I _have_ Geostigma. You know as well as I do that the disease comes from her. She's not human, and a human body can't handle her presence so it gets sick. How do we know she can fix the mess she's already made? What if she makes it _worse_?"

"I know," Loz whispered. "But I have to believe Kadaj. I don't want you to die."

I'd known that was going to come up at some point, but Loz had cut to the chase faster than I'd expected. He and I are far closer than we are with Kadaj. I don't know why. I doubt Loz knows either. We are simply attached to each other, bonded almost the way Kadaj and Mother are. I understand his emotions and wants. His thoughts are as easy to comprehend as my own. As a result, Loz is my best friend, my favorite brother, the other half of who I am. We've met people who thought we were lovers because of how close we are, physically as well as emotionally. I can only hope that any lover I find is as wonderful as Loz is, but we have never been _that_ way with each other.

"I won't. If you think I'll let this kill me, then I think I should be insulted. Who'll take care of you and Kadaj if I die?"

It was another empty promise, but it cheered Loz up and we went inside.

----------------------------------------------

The next day, I began to feel that I would die before the Geostigma had a chance to take full effect. It might help me along a little, but it seemed I was destined to go out fighting a lowly Turk. The disease slowed my movements, drawing out the fight with the smart-mouth red-headed Turk. On a good day, I could have killed him in seconds. Today, I could do little more than defend myself.

Loz held back, distracted by my fight and his worries for my well-being. If he had paid more attention to his own battle, perhaps he could have stepped in and helped me with mine afterwards.

When Kadaj jumped from the building we'd left him and the pretty blonde Shinra in, Loz and I ran to him without a thought. It was our place to follow behind and protect him while he took Mother to safety.

But it hurt. Breathing was harder than ever, and the pain made my vision blur and dance. I wished I could stop, dismount, and lie down. We rode on.

--------------------------------------

I lost all faith in Mother in the moments after I realized I had survived the explosion. Loz had as well- no doubt the Turk who had set us up would be disappointed to know that- and it was he who held me while I vomited into the rubble that remained after the blast.

"Are you alright?"

It was a rhetorical question, of course. If I was throwing up, it could be assumed that I was no alright. But Loz meant well, and I think he might have been asking if I had been hurt in the explosion.

"No," I told him. "My left arm doesn't feel right- it hurts, and I can't move it."

Another wave of nausea forced me to hunch over again, but it wasn't so strong that I couldn't open my eyes and see just what it was that I was bringing up.

Vomit, of course, but not just that. Blood. Some fresh, some blotted, and all laced with dark strings of the same thick fluid that mottled my skin.

"Kadaj said-" Loz began, but I cut him off with a wave of my good hand.

"Kadaj also said that we couldn't get Geostigma in the first place, and I have it."

"But none of the others-"

"None of the children were born with part of her inside them. We were- it's as much a part of us as Sephiroth is- and that means there's more to make me sick. Kadaj may _think _there are no obvious internal effects, but do you honestly think he can explain _this_ away?"

I gestured at the mess I'd made. It scared me, but I wasn't about to tell Loz that. He was hurt and so was I, and neither of us needed the extra burden my voicing my fears would be.

"Come on, Loz. We have to find Kadaj."

It hurt to walk. My lower back was damaged- it burned with every step I took. I hadn't broken my arm, but it was as good as, useless as it was. Beside me, with my good arm across his shoulders, Loz made no complaint about the broken ribs I could feel grating against each other whenever I stumbled and fell against him.

He was limping.

We didn't speak.

-------------------------------------

I knew what had happened to Kadaj first. Somehow, I felt him go, a piece of my soul being dragged away. Another promise that had been broken. One more lie.

------------------------------------

The rain that fell made every breath I took agony, as though I'd swallowed a flame. Holy power. There would never be enough to cleanse me, but it would keep on trying as long as it was touching me. That it even tried was laughable, but I didn't have it in me to laugh. Instead, I pulled away from Loz, lifted Velvet Nightmare, and fired one last time. The kick sent a sharp pain into my shoulder, and I dropped the gun. The shot had hit dead center anyway. A second wasn't needed.

Cloud turned, facing us, and adopted a fighting stance. Loz and I couldn't, but we poured energy into the Materia we carried and braced for the end. It came in a blue of blue flame and the roar of the explosion when our attack hit his.

------------------------------

Dying was easy.

-----------------------------

My vision blurred from black oblivion into blank white. The pain stopped. A hand touched my face. It was unfamiliar, slender and soft in a way my brothers' hands never were. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to shatter this illusion.

"Here's the last one."

It was a man's voice, ill suited to the hand, that made me feel instantly safe and at ease.

"He's quite a fighter."

There was a woman speaking, and I knew it was her hand on my face.

"Is he? I wasn't watching."

"Look."

The hand slid down to my chest, pulling the zipper on my coat down. Then there were three hands on me, two the soft female ones and one large, callused, and warm.

"Geostigma," the man breathed. "Even through…..and it never showed….he never….incredible."

"Are you done with him? I…..I need to apologize."

That voice made my heart stop. Kadaj. Impossible. He was, like me, quite dead.

"Just a minute. I need to heal him."

For a moment, my chest and stomach burned with cold, then the feeling faded, taking with it the pain of Geostigma.

"Alright. You can take him, Kadaj."

I felt my feet touch something solid and I opened my eyes. The couple I had seen in the water at the Lost City stood before me, with Kadaj peeking out at me from behind the man's arm. He moved out where I could see him and gave me a small smile.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Hi."

"You were right."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."


End file.
